Remembering To Love
by Evera Yuuki
Summary: Definition: Love is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometres away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. This definition, I am told, is subject to interpretation. Obviously, love is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could make such a shot, and strangely enough, not many meatbags would derive love from it. LSF!Revan and Carth.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: My first KotOR fanfic! This has been attacking my brain for the past month or so, so those who were hoping for a Lost Star update, I'm very sorry, my plot bunnies are trying to take off with various part of my brain and I can't think straight for the life of me. ;-; The other day I spelled my own name wrong and I elected myself the Idiot of the Month. Not to mention I've a third story in mind, this time on Skyrim (because I just can't get enough of shooting fireballs at people, I guess) and now I keep interchanging the wrong freaking names, so if you see a name that doesn't make a bit of sense...sorry. Anyways, should you want the draft of Lost Star chapter 14, PM me and I'll send it along quickly. Perhaps some suggestions from the people who want to see it finished could provide some ideas. Well, enough rambling, more story telling. ~Evera Yuuki**

The Endar Spire. A pinnacle of troop transportation for the Republic, the current fastest transport ship in the Republic's Navy...and now Dela Dagur's home for the next few months. She was just cleared for duty again after a training accident and they signed her up for the calmest job they could find on short notice. Her current job was to translate and in her opinion, they signed her up for the most boring job possible.

"Dagur!" Another ensign, one she'd never met as far as she knew, came running up to her. "Trask Ulgo. I'm going to be your bunkmate. They want me to show you to our room."

"Uh, okay..." Dela mumbled softly as she followed after the speedy man. He jogged down a series of disorienting turns as he rambled on about how he'd never shared his room and how excited he was, and between the labyrinthine halls and Trask's seeming inability to shut up, she had a headache in no time at all.

When they finally reached the right room, Dela immediately cut him off. "I'd like to get some rest, if it's okay with you. I've had a long day." The ensign nodded and left, and she collapsed on her new bed. Who knew the heirs of House Ulgo could ramble that long? You'd think being a respected military family would get you some friends, but it seemed like he didn't have any.

She sat up suddenly. She needed to take her medicine in case she dozed off. If she didn't, she had terrifying dreams, flashes of gory images and the sounds of screaming, that chilled her to the bone. She picked up the small bottle of pills and took two. She didn't want any more or less in case the wrong dosage would make them get even worse. She had plenty of important things to do and she couldn't afford a restless night's sleep.

It seemed like the whole accident was a blur. Dela actually couldn't remember any images, but the sounds of a woman screaming and men telling her to stop fighting still rang in her ears sometimes, like her mind was trying to tell her something. It took a full two weeks to realize, the woman who'd been screaming, had been her. She'd woken up to a medical droid quizzing her about what happened and filling in the blanks. She'd been leading a training for close quarters combat and one of the frag grenades in a nearby private's belt went off. She was put in a coma for a week and the private died instantly. Her gunnery sergeant had put off her reinstatement as fit for duty as long as possible, but she'd been an excellent fighter and instructor and the Navy wanted her back in ASAP, so he dug for a loophole, and landed her here. A translation job until he decided she was healthy enough for battle.

She spotted a tiny porthole in their room and she wandered over. Space always had such a beautiful panorama of colors swirling together as the ship moved. It was like the stars were dancing around, leaving sparkling streaks of multicolored lights. It reminded her of-...Of what? What was it she was reminded of? She couldn't remember...

Suddenly a shock goes down her spine as she remembers. Her older brother. Going out into a field. Gazing up at the stars and laughing. Dreaming about visiting every single one. And then she knows why she couldn't remember. Because she wouldn't. Because after that, they snuck home. Mother caught them out. **She** went for her, to punish her first. The slaps and kicks she received. Her brother begging Mother to stop. Him being smacked to the ground like a fly by **Her**. Her sobbing because it hurt, it _hurt_, but **She** wouldn't stop. The complete waterfall of relief when **She** got tired and left them alone. Her still whimpering, and him crawling over to hug her. Him swearing that one day, they'd be free. That **She**'d never hurt them again and they'd travel to those stars.

As she came back to reality, she finds herself curled on the ground, her cheeks wet. She resisted the urge to cry out for her big brother. He couldn't help. **She** made sure of that.

She crawled back to her bed and resolved to sleep. No more. No more memories, no more pain, no more anything but her drug-induced black haze.

* * *

It had been weeks since Dela had joined the Spire. She found the translation job could be quite interesting. The foreign officers had terribly dirty mouths, and it was hard not to snicker through the entire debriefing. The other, less competent translators would quote it word for word without considering to revise it. She was the only one in the room who had to leave when one of the Selkath officers called a proposed battle plan a "piece of bantha shit" because she was the only translator that understood Selkath. The other Selkaths had started laughing hysterically and she didn't have the heart to tell that poor Twi'lek he was the one they were laughing at.

She'd spotted several Jedi on board, and one brunette Jedi with her hair in childish pigtails caught her eye in particular. Icy eyes, a haughty air about her, and a rich Coruscanti accent was more than enough to make Dela avoid her. Something was off about her. The way she'd stare at Dela very carefully. Several times she'd looked to see if her boots were untied or something, but nothing was ever out of place. The woman simply...stared. Almost as if she was gazing into her mind. Honestly, it scared her to all nine hells.

When she retired for the night, cruelly overjoyed to find she and Trask had opposite shifts and never saw one another for more than a few seconds, she had no idea that she'd awake to the Endar Spire's fiery end.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So here we are again. It's always such a pleasure. Okay, enough Portal jokes. I don't have the space for that. No one wants to read the end theme to Portal 2 in a KotOR fic. In any case, here's Chapter Two. Read, now, or I'll get HK-47 to show you what your sloshy bits look like, heeheehee. ~Evera Yuuki**

**Warning: This chapter is very violent and overly detailed. Leave now if you know you can't handle it.**

Dela awoke to the sounds of sirens and yelling. She could hear blasters firing and explosions, and the smell of burnt flesh and malfunctioning electronics filled the air, a smell reminiscent of both a sick barbecue and tin foil in a microwave oven. When she finally pried her eyes open from her drugged sleep, she found the ship was indeed being attacked. As she struggled the put a combat vest over her uniform, Trask burst in the door, deathly pale and terrified. Of course, he figured he'd be a comfortable desk jockey all his military career and never see combat. Guess she got to go back to instructing again, for perhaps the final time.

She found that he was a pretty good hacker, splicing terminals and popping open doors. His aim, however, left something to be desired. A lot to be desired, actually. He couldn't hit the far side of a planet. Luckily, he didn't have to, as she'd found a pair of vibroblades and sprung on every Sith in sight. The sensations of battle, the coppery, sweet, and yet slightly salty crimson liquid that flowed over her blades as she hunted her prey, the adrenaline rush that felt so close to pleasure, it was frightening. The noises of metal clashing, blasters firing, the cries of the injured and the dead, filled her with a disturbing sense of belonging. This is where she should've been all along. On the battlefield, destroying the enemy, not translating bullshit all day. It felt good, in a way, to end the Troopers' lives, listen to their dying cries, their shiny armor clanking and scraping harshly as the body inside fell dead. That thrill when you've drawn so close you could see their terrified eyes fade as the metal blades slid through their bodies, the feeling of hot blood gushing over the back of her hands and the scent of the scarlet life pouring over the durasteel, pooling at and around the victims.

As they made their way through, more and more blood soaked her uniform, and some of it wasn't just the Sith's. She refused to let Trask notice, however; they couldn't afford a pit stop because he didn't know a scratch from a missing limb. When they reached the bridge, however, the first thing she did was sit in one of the now-empty seats. She'd spent too long out of combat; she couldn't quite catch her breath and she had more injuries than she'd ever sustain under normal circumstances. Trask continued searching, however, much to her relief. He'd never seen combat, and it showed by the way he was trembling, but luckily he kept it together. Still, perhaps she'd been a bit cold to him. He'd been expecting her to be like an actual bunkmate and not just some person who magically made his bed every day.

"Hey, Trask." She started. What was she supposed to say? She wasn't sure. "Are you alright? You look a bit shaken up." Lame, lame, LAME!

"I'm fine, just not used to targets shooting back, I guess. Thank you for asking, though." He shot her a shaky smile and she couldn't help smiling back. Maybe she shouldn't have judged him by her first impression. He was actually quite sweet when he wasn't anxious. "We should keep going, the bodies are empty now and we need to get off this ship. Bastila's not here, so there's nothing stopping the Sith from shooting us down." She nodded. If only her body agreed too. When she went to stand up, her legs gave out almost immediately and she crumpled to the floor. Maybe she was getting too old for this...

Trask, who'd been standing next to her but hadn't turned in time to keep her from falling, pulled her back up and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. Any other time she'd be fighting him, but she was hurt worse than she'd thought and didn't have the strength. Luckily, the corridors seemed suddenly devoid. Any survivors must've passed through recently. Maybe Bastila, or that Carth guy that occasionally piped up over her comlink.

She'd been treating some of her injuries while Trask cleaned Sith corpses for creds and equipment, and she could walk by herself by the time they took a deadly wrong turn. A Dark Jedi, with a bald head, ashen skin, and pulsating red eyes, awaited them. He had a double-bladed lightsaber, red like every Dark Jedi's seemed to be, and a shocked face directed straight at her. Did she know this man? She didn't recognize him, but...

Before she'd finished pondering his surprise, Trask shoved her back through the doorway and tossed his bag at her. Confused, she looked up from the sack just in time to see him hit the panel to shut the door, and it fried as soon as it sealed. He had to be kidding. The kid couldn't aim to save his life and he just locked himself in with a Dark Jedi, near impossible to kill to even someone at her skill level. It occurred to her that he was well aware of the fact and had moved to distract him while she made her way off the ship.

As she continued on, she hoped that maybe the Dark Jedi was a terrible fighter and Trask stood a chance. Her hopes were dashed when her comlink activated and the pilot stated she was the only other living crewmember, and if she didn't hurry up, he had to leave her, too. Damn, she hated starship battles. Leaving the dead and even the living behind to be blown up just to save your own skin. There was a family waiting for Trask, and they may end up never knowing what happened to him. It was just wrong...

She had no real trouble getting to the pods, but she found she could barely breathe and everything was swirling. There was someone standing in front of the last pod, maybe that Carth guy, but she couldn't hear him to be able to tell. Everything was muffled and the floor wouldn't stop tipping. The man had to practically drag her inside and strap her in. He was saying something, but she had no idea what, and she'd probably never find out.

He said one last thing, perhaps it'd been hold on? Then there was a sharp pain in her skull and everything finally went black.

* * *

**A/N: Short, I know, but I want to keep the crash and the arrival on Taris in separate chapters. Do tell me what you thought! I think I went overboard on detail, but I've never really done an action chapter, so I didn't know for sure how to write it out. Taking all reviews! (Even if you flame me, although I won't be very happy.)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Aaaand chapter 3. Lemme know if there are any errors, but I check these before and after Doc Upload, so if I missed it, it was either 4AM or I'm just that stupid. .-. Seriously, though, do enjoy. ~Evera Yuuki**

* * *

_"She's sealing herself up again for a reason, Vandar. If we try to pry it from her, we'll shatter her memory!"_

_"Then so it shall be. Do not fear, Zhar, she cannot harm you."_

_"I'm not afraid of her, I'm afraid for her. To relive everything again like that..."_

_"It must be done. She must remember what her conscious mind will not allow, if she will ever awaken the secrets buried behind it."_

_"Surely you've spoke to her, though? That life was torturous and it took her years to let it go. And I don't think she ever truly did."_

_"There is no alternative. To awaken the secrets of the Star Forge, we must awaken her childhood as well."_

_"You know I cannot approve of this, Vandar."_

_"The connection between you two is undeniably powerful, but the Council cannot allow it to prolong this war. But simply wait. In time, she will come back to you, an apprentice, and you can teach her that which you could not when she was a Padawan. It's a chance to try again, for both of you."_

* * *

_As the voices fade, the view from behind a suffocating mask and heavy clothing form. Dela finds herself staring out into space, watching a battle between fighters, one Republic, and one Sith. Just as she turns, there is a voice._

_"You cannot win, Revan!"_

_Her arm moves automatically, beckoning the Jedi with the yellow double blader to attack, almost mockingly. Everything moves without her telling it to. She has no control._

_There is a loud noise behind her followed by pain in her back. The mask and suit drag her to the floor. She is rolled over by the Jedi. This Jedi looks exactly like the brunette from the Spire, the one that gave her chills. The mask is pulled off her face. She stares up at the Jedi as she stares back and everything goes black. The sensations disappear as if she were dead. Is she dead? She doesn't know..._

* * *

When Dela finally came to, she was in a cheap motel bed and there was cloth wrapped around her head. After a struggle, she managed to pry her eyes open. It was either morning or late afternoon, judging by the orangish light filling the room. The ceiling tiles were slightly rotted and she cringed inwardly at the sight. She could hear airspeeders whirring about and the soft hum of the life outside. Her head was aching slightly where she had a bump on her head and there was a stinging sensation in various parts of her body. She couldn't place where she was. Maybe Coruscant? Nar Shaddaa? No, Nar Shaddaa had no sunlight...

Suddenly, she heard the sound of a door sliding open, a grinding that suggested an older door, and the woosh of air hitting her cheek as the crosswinds blew into the room. She struggled to turn her head, but it sent a burning pain through her skull and she couldn't stop herself from whimpering in pain. It was a good thing she couldn't lift her head, because she'd have been bashing it against the wall. There are a set of footsteps headed straight for her, with a quiet "Don't push yourself."

As the voice, a rough male's, reached her ears, she remembered. Waking up on the Endar Spire. The fighting. Trask shoving her out of the way. Making it to the escape pods. She can't recall the man in the pod's face, but this man's voice must be Carth's. They sound close together, but the present one is softer, less urgent. Maybe she's dead, and hell is an ugly motel room with whoever dies with her?

The man stood over her. He was actually quite handsome, with soft brown irises, brown hair with two chunks sticking out in front, and a slight 5 o'clock shadow. She realized, with mild embarrassment, that he'd been talking to her, and-too busy checking him out-she hadn't heard a word of what he said.

"Uhh, what?" she said, hoping he'd attribute her inattention to the crash. Thankfully, he didn't comment on it at all. Instead, he patiently repeated himself.

"You hit your head when we entered Taris's atmosphere. I managed to find an empty apartment. You were hurt pretty badly, so I found a doctor to help you. You've been out for a few days, I was wondering if you'd ever wake up."

"Uh, right...who are you again?" She could tell he was getting slightly impatient.

"Carth Onasi. I was in the escape pod with you."

"The guy on the comlink? I thought the Dark Jedi got you." He gave her a strange look.

"There was a Dark Jedi? I didn't see any."

"I came across three, but of course you were nice and safe by then. God forbid you do anything past sitting on your ass." She hated desk jockeys. They sit safely behind a computer panel sending orders out while soldiers like her actually complete the order. It drove Dela nuts.

"I do my job and so do you. Just because my post on the Spire was easy doesn't mean I haven't seen my fair share of combat." It was obvious he was annoyed with her attitude towards his occupation. Well, what did he expect? She wasn't exactly pleased with the arrangement. She was stuck with some pilot who may or may not know how to even load a blaster, on a backwater planet crawling with those who wanted her dead. Not a very relaxing position to be in. Now he's firing off questions before she even knows what happened.

"Will you just...just go find something to eat or something? I need to think." Thankfully, he let it go and walked through a doorway to what she presumed was the kitchen. She flopped back down into the pillow tiredly. Her head was aching from the hundreds of thoughts processing.

The Endar Spire'd been blown to hell. Trask was dead. She was trapped on Taris now. The only other survivor was probably a desk jockey who was in over his head. She was injured. They're broke. This sucked more than any language she knew could describe.

* * *

**A/N: Fin! Sorry it took so long, I was drawing and gaming and all my other favorite activities. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! ~Evera Yuuki**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Okay, I've been giving out a bit on my new fic here. Thing is, my dog Maggie just got very sick and I've been pretty focused on her, trying to help her and when it's her time, spend as much time with her as possible. She's been improving recently and we're hoping she'll recover, but the bottom line is she's fourteen and riddled with health issues, so she doesn't have very long. So if I suddenly drop off the map, that's why. I'll keep trying, though! ****_~Evera Yuuki_**

**Post-Chapter edit: She did indeed have to be put to sleep, so I spent her last week focused entirely on her. It's been a bit since then, she's been buried and a pair of Bleeding Heart bushes put next to her. It'll take me a bit to get back on track, since she was part of my family since as long as I remember and we're all a bit thrown off base. Sometimes my dad'll ask if I left her outside (because she always greeted you at the door) and then remember that she won't be there to say hello every day, and he spends the rest of the day depressed. I, myself used to sit out in the living room and pet her when I was having writer's block, and after a few minutes I'd think something up.**

* * *

She hadn't realized it when she fell back asleep, but the next thing she remembered was Carth gently shaking her awake with lunch. It'd been morning when she first awoke. Had it really been that long?

"Figured you'd be hungry, you haven't gotten a chance to eat yet." He was right; she was absolutely starving. He'd made some sort of stew, plenty to eat today and tomorrow. She'd downed her first bowl in a minute and waited expectantly for more, but Carth wouldn't give her more until her stomach had settled to avoid any unwanted returns. She'd spent the early afternoon resting, as she'd been unable to stand up without falling over. Carth passed this time asking questions about her and how much she could remember.

"I looked into your file when you first joined the Endar Spire. Your service records are flawless and you speak more languages than I've even heard of. But it seems like you haven't existed as long as your birthdate says. No certificate of birth or medical records before age 5. That's very odd." He was giving off this paranoid vibe that made Dela frown.

"My formative years are of no concern to you." He hadn't read the report, then. That was good. The last thing she needed was pity, especially from her only ally on this backwater planet.

"I just thought it was odd, was all. So what do you normally do?"

"Train kids how to not die, in essence. Hand to hand, melee, blasters, explosives, the works. Also an occasional talk over torture methods in the case that they're captured and interrogated."

"I thought you'd be on the front lines as a one-man army," he chuckled, "You sure as hell sounds like you are." She shook her head.

"I haven't been on the battlefield in a year and three months. My unit got caught in an ambush. Half of them were dead in seconds. The handful of us who made it were dragged to their outpost with bags over our heads and locked up. They tortured us for two weeks before some platoon of soldiers came in to tear the place apart. No one even knew we were missing. Finding us was merely a happy coincidence." She frowned at the thought. When she'd sworn allegiance to the Republic as a soldier, she believed wholeheartedly that it was a pure and just government. After that incident, however, she just couldn't carry out orders with the same fervor and had even once considered switching sides, but it was even worse with the Sith, and an oath was an oath, after all, and she never went back on her word.

"In any case, the survivors were all marked as cases of PTSD and either medically discharged or downgraded to a desk job. I had to pull strings to even get to the shitty job I got. But hey, if my shitty job means one less unit of privates dead, I'll take it over paper pushing any day."

"You certainly enjoy combat, don't you? Most people deploy once and never wanna head out again, but you actually want to be on the front lines. A bit strange, if you ask me." Carth added and frowned. Dela was getting the impression that he didn't have any love for adrenaline rushes. That was too bad, considering she practically hunted for them.

"Another thing I found odd, too...the battle on the Endar Spire." She already knew she wouldn't like where this would head, but she chose to listen to him on the off chance that he wasn't as paranoid as he seemed. "I spent these few days going over it, but quite a few things just don't add up. Perhaps you could tell me what happened through your perspective?"

"Well, I woke up to the ship being attacked. My medication worked as a drug-induced sleep, so had my bunkmate, Trask, not come back for me, I probably wouldn't have realized what was going on soon enough. I left with him.

"After some time, I had lost so much blood it was getting hard to stand, so once we'd reached the bridge, he went about looting Sith while I wrapped up some of the worst wounds and did a shot of kelto. Next thing I know, there's a Dark Jedi on the other side of a doorway and Trask is yelling at me to run, all the while throwing his bag at me and slamming the door shut. A few seconds later, you came on and I was in contact with you the rest of the time." He hummed to himself, as if mulling over her rendition. She hadn't had much to give him, so she decided while he processed that, she'd look for her medication. She'd open her bag and make sure she had enough, or at least find the label for a refill. There was medpacks, stims, a few hundred credits, a couple blasters-

"Carth, what'd you do with my meds?" He shot her a confused look. "My meds, Carth, the pills in the orange bottle."

"I didn't see any pills with you. Are you sure you grabbed them?" She frowned and thought for a second. She could've sworn they were in her bag...

"Why do even need them? You look healthy to me."

She took a deep breath to steel herself. She hated talking about her own weaknesses. "I have some pretty bad memories of my mother that come up sometimes. Seeing soldiers blown up from the inside and such doesn't help the images much. I'm supposed to take them every meal and before I go to sleep. Otherwise I'll get various flashbacks and occasionally I'd start vomiting for no reason. It's not a very pleasant sight, so I prefer to keep on it consistently." She could see Carth cringe at the unpleasant images her description had undoubtedly conjured up. "Sometimes I have really strange dreams as well. Me talking to Jedi, when I've actually never spoken to a Jedi in my life. They always call me Venyrah, too, but that's not my name, nor is it anybody I know. It's disturbing." He blinked.

"That's really strange..." He sat there in thought for a moment. Then, "You should get some more rest, then. You'll have to be at your best; the place is crawling with Sith." She nodded. Hopefully she could actually get rest tonight.

* * *

**A/N: Well. That was massively long. Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter, it's larger than the others, although it's all shitty filler background story. ****_~Evera Yuuki_**


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